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Jul 08, 2022

Boris Johnson Gets a Letter From a Friend in India

From the Vishwavguru Archives: 'One by one, our club is shrinking. Some of my over-enthusiastic cheerleaders are already proclaiming that I am now undisputedly the only demagogue still in office throughout the democratic world.'
Illustration: The Wire
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My dear Boris,

I cannot tell you how deeply disappointing it is that you have to leave 10, Downing Street.

I take your departure rather personally. First, it was our good friend in the White House; then, it was dear Benjamin; and, now you. Bolsonaro is not going to survive his election. How those disagreeable liberals must be gloating. They said we were ‘self-absorbed, uncaring and incompetent’. I can hear editorial writers singing, “One more demagogue gone.”

You do realise, my good friend, that it is becoming rather lonely for me. But some of my over-enthusiastic cheerleaders are already proclaiming that I am now undisputedly the only demagogue still in office throughout the democratic world.

It is not a very comforting thought for me that now I have only President Putin and Chairman Xi for company in the “strong rulers” super elite category.

But, my dear Boris, please, in God’s name, tell me: Why did you allow things to come to this pass?

Why allow so-called ‘public opinion’ to bother you at all? Why did you allow ministers with immigrant backgrounds to run away with the morality ball? You should have used the kind of bulldozer you took a ride on when you were here last and flattened them all.

And, what is all this nonsense about some branch of the police slapping you with a fine? In evolved democracies, surely it is people who level accusations against the leader who must end up being punished.

Don’t you have something like the Enforcement Directorate in your arsenal? What about intelligence agencies? Why didn’t you invoke national security to shut down your detractors?

I also find it absolutely appalling that you allowed dissidents within your own party to script your downfall. This is very, very bad – indeed a dangerous precedent for struggling democracies across the world. The Opposition wanting your head is understandable, but here your own colleagues revolted, and did so successfully. For me, this is the political equivalent of blasphemy.

Perhaps you would say that at the end of the day, as an Englishman, you play by gentlemen’s rules. Fairness in politics? A relic of the past. And, all those silly exposes in the media! Here we simply brush them aside, or find cases to file against the troublemakers.

I had thought you were made of tougher stuff, that you were capable of a bit of brutal power play. Your country needed your leadership in these difficult times.

And, I am sure that neither the Conservatives nor the Labour Party will be able to produce another tough leader like you. Please rest assured that you will always have a friend in India on whom you can count. Just look what has happened in Israel. Our friend Benjamin will be back in a few months.

I do hope you have learnt a lesson that softness, decency and fairness do not yield political power. Always play rough, play tough, have the referee in your pocket and a few empowered goons handy.

You are young, and you will be back. If you need to hold a few rallies in England and swing opinion on social media, do not hesitate to get in touch. We have now a tool-kit to organise this sort of thing quickly and we would happy to share it with you.

I remain your friend…


Atmanirbhar is a pen-name for an aspiring satirist, who shall be irregularly contributing a column, From the Vishwavguru Archives, and believes that ridicule and humour are central to freedom to speech and expression.

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