Another 'Urban Naxal' Letter, Plans of Shahi Tukde Gang Unraveled
Dear Comrade Editors
I found a letter during a recent search – in fact, it may well have originated on my hard drive – and being a conscientious law abiding citizen, even while being a member of the Pune police, I thought it was my duty to bring it to public notice. I am aware that the Honourable Supreme Court has scolded the Pune police for their interminable leaks, especially through channels like Republic and Times Now. Therefore, I thought of leaking this directly through The Wire, to confuse everybody.
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September 16, 2018
Lal Salaam, Lal Salaam, Comrade Ganapati. Lal Salaam!
As we had discussed in our last meeting conducted openly on the phone (thankfully now that Jio has come to Abujhmad, our communications have become very easy since the enemy will not suspect that we are openly using their network), I am pleased to report that I have increased recruitment for the party. Within the space of a week or less, more than 50,000 people have signed up to be urban Naxals under the hashtag #MeTooUrbanNaxal. My only worry is, where we are going to procure enough Twitter accounts to keep this trend going? For this, we will again have to source enemy bots, preferably via Maldives.
In the last party congress held in the Niraamaya Retreats – a brilliant strategy on our part since it is owned by our enemy – we discussed the need to expand our urban paw print. In the days of Cobras, Jaguars, Hyenas, Greyhounds and so on, our mass front members, the Lap Dogs, are carrying out selfless revolutionary work winning the hearts and minds of youth and elderly alike. We have established sleeper cells in many organisations including in the Marg Darshak Mandal of the enemy and the Pappu Party, and are nosing our way to azadi. On the pretext of asking for library access and scholarships for students, we are also increasing the membership drive for our Shahi Double Tukde Tolas. Our slogan is ‘Lap Dogs Amar Rahe, Shahi Tukde Khate Rahe’. I am pleased to report Comrade that your insight into this strategy over wine and dessert at the last Congress was absolutely inspired.
The enemy thinks that they can defeat us by establishing camps every five km in Bastar and sending in 15 more battalions of CRPF. But since the jawans are only shown my film ‘Buddha at a Convoy Crossing’ on the links between Kashmiri separatists, Christian Naxalites, and Delhi University student Ankiiiiv Basta (who has in keeping with the requirement of secrecy added some letters to his name to fool the authorities who control campaign expenditure), they have rebelled and are refusing to fight till they get better entertainment. Comrade, as you will see, I am doing my best on every front.
I end with a revolutionary poem and greetings:
Red Salute, Red Salute,
In Swach bharat we will ablute
Comrade Vivek
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