April 9, 2024 marks four years since Gulfisha Fatima, an MBA graduate, student activist and history enthusiast, was arrested by the Delhi Police. Fatima was active during the nationwide protests against the Citizenship (Amendment) Act, and was arrested by the police on charges relating to the communal violence in North-East Delhi in February 2020. While several rights activists were arrested on similar charges – in cases seen as a way to silence dissenters while letting those who instigated violence go scot-free – Muslim student activists like Fatima are still in jail. Their bail petitions have gone unheard and undecided for years. Fatima applied for bail before the Delhi high court in mid 2022. The court is yet to deliver its verdict on her plea.
Below are excerpts from letters Fatima has written to her friends while in prison, and artwork she has created while incarcerated. Some editorial notes and translations have been added in square brackets. Names she mentions in her letters have been removed to protect the privacy of those she has referred to.
Read her poetry here.
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July 29, 2021
Many times, days become like ladder. I feel as if I am only climbing climbing steps one by one yet unable to reach at corner of destination.
… All radio channels are unavailable owing to variation in weather. Now-a-days I am absorbed in reading chargesheet during khuli-band ginti. [Khuli ginti is when lock up is opened, which is from 6 am-12 pm and 3 pm-6 pm; bandh ginti is when prisoners are in lock up inside their barracks and cells.] AR [A little girl inside prison with her mother, Gul is very attached to this child] has become the most cutest baby of the world. From canteen, I had purchased thin small rubber bands for her. Often I make her pony tail with which she looks like an angel. She even sits in D.S. Room along with me on my lap. [Since initially the police refused to give print-outs of the 20,000 page chargesheet, as per court order, computer access was provided in the Deputy Superintendent’s office for the purpose of reading the chargesheet.] She used to say, “Mujhe bail nahi chahiye naa [I don’t want bail].” When I rebuked her, then she began to say, “Mujhe bhi bail chahiye [I also want bail].”
Last night, on 28-7-2021, I saw more than half very very bright shining moon behind white gray, blue clouds around 1o’clock from the barrack window. Very attractive loving calm incomplete moon it was for me yesterday. I thought you must be watching this moon from somewhere 🙂
September 21, 2021
Moon has become good friend or confidant of mine these days. I can see moon, may be it is full moon. It is battling with clouds. Harsh darkness seems to be trying to cover it with the wing of clouds. It is very stubborn, in spite of being under the formidable darkness, dares to smile and shine. It is the moon which is lashed every night by the cruel blood sucker night, nevertheless, it emerges next night in its capacity until it is disappeared forcefully. Only for one night take rest, accumulate strength, muster courage, then do come back. Because it is addicted to “RESILIENCE”. I think this is the true mechanism of universe. I also want to have such will power.
A painting by Gulfisha Fatima.
September 23, 2021
So in your last letter, you complained that I don’t tell much in my letter as to how I pass the days. In response to your complaint, just want to share about one night how I passed it…heart was crying silently, simultaneously yelling under the cover of skin. I felt as if I did not have blood, bones, lungs, ribs nothing but harsh scary darkness had replaced them. That night can be described as “A CYCLONE OF TORMENT” which was developed by the pain of separation from family and friends, pain of their memory, pain of their love, pain of harassment, pain of incarceration, pain of not feeling alive, pain of hiding pain from them, pain of having nothing under control, pain of not being able to touch them, pain of seeing innocent women and men crying, pain of blunt humiliation, pain of not watching moon and sky clearly without grills and bars, pain of crushing desire and emotion, pain of saying bye, pain of bearing the pain etc.
Well, still days pass. Alhamdulillah, I am becoming more courageous, strong, defiant, optimistic…to combat with uncertainty. THE THING WHICH DOES NOT KILL US MAKES US STRONGER.
January 11, 2022
As Corona’s other mutant Omicron is rearing its head, 3-4 members of staff have been found positive. Ladies are getting nervous over court functioning with turbulent confusion. So many questions they ask to me! “Tum to akhbaar padhti ho, court kab khulenge? Lockdown kab khulega, Kejriwal kya keh raha hai… [You read the newspaper, when will courts open? When will the lockdown lift, what is chief minister Arvind Kejriwal saying…]” etc. In the evening (censored) told me that when she goes out of jail, she would find a place, most probably mountains, and scream until exhausted to release negative energy from her body. You know I also have been wishing to scream hysterically since my arrest or even from before.
January 24, 2022
In the evening, (censored) had told me that her lawyer informed her that she would leave jail tonight. After bandh ginti, my ears were waiting to hear the announcement on the speaker. “(Censored) apne rihai waste jald se jald chakkar pahunche.” The moment her name was announced, I hurled a short scream into the air. A while later, I started eating banana thinking that she would be out by now. All at once, I heard my name – Goolfisha. Avoiding and assuming it as a hallucination, I kept sitting and eating banana. Then again “Goolfisha”. It was (censored) standing at the barrack gate, (censored) wearing a mask which I had given to her, written AZAADI on that. She had told me that she would wear the mask at the time of her release. She couldn’t say much, her eyes were glistened, just said, “See you soon outside…take care of yourself.” We kissed each others hands through the gate and got separated.
January 28, 2022
I had a dream in which one of our barrack-mate and I were planning to visit a monument. Then we quickly decide and reach there and that monument resembled Red Fort or Jama Masjid or a tomb of Lodhi Garden. Doors were closed, so I climbed up the wall, leaving J [Gul’s barrack-mate] down. Suddenly, with a blow of air, I fell down the other side of the wall. There were many ladies there who told me it was jail. Then I put myself in a corner and began to stare at those huge walls a while later. It was an asylum not jail.
A painting by Gulfisha Fatima.
February 7, 2022
(Censored) didi went out on 5th Feb. Having been acquitted by high court after 13 and a half years, she left for home in the noon during band ginti time. I was in MI Room, so got to meet her, she was very nervous and perplexed. I could see sweat on her forehead and neck, then helped her lift her samaan. Meanwhile, I asked, “Kaisa lag raha hai [How are you feeling]?” “Bahut dar lag raha hai, pata nahi kahan rahungi, bachche apne paas rakhenge ya nahi kyonki wo mujhe doshi maante hain [I’m very worried, don’t know where I’ll stay, whether they keep the children because they think I’m guilty].” She had thousands of thoughts, worries and emotions while striding out her feet in deodhy. [Deodhy is the entrance area of the prison where all security checks take place. Registration of new inmates and final release formalities of those leaving also happen here.] I and (censored) hugged her tightly. First time, on somebody’s release, I wanted to cry vehemently. What about those years she had spent here despite being an innocent? It should be government’s moral duty to compensate her with something. For example, job, accommodation, an amount of money etc. required.
March 2022
When I went to court last time, I passed my journey appreciating those semal trees – “They are extremely beautifully fascinating, I want to climb on that tree to feel them.” Thank you for sending me its photo.
After my bail rejection, at least 4-5 days were very depressing for Ammi Abbu. Even I was unable to speak to them with my usual cool temperament…I could say nothing. Ammi also was trying to hide her despair by pretending to have sore throat…My sleep cycle is disturbed in this changing weather. I have stopped going for yoga class as I wake up late and sleep late. It is 2.30am while I am writing this paragraph.
April 14, 2022, 2:15 am
Since the commencement of Ramzan, I have been observing fast daily without any break yet. At night I do not sleep at all. As you know if I sleep then I can’t wake up and eat mid-night meal for Sehri. So I go for sleep from 5 am to 12 pm. As Eid is coming closer, I am getting anxious. What will I celebrate on the eve of Eid? Growing violence in the country, emerging vivid hatred in a collective form.
I have literally been pissed off for last months due to despair prevailing around the world….Will we ever be able to live in a peaceful world? Perhaps death can bring peace to a soul, because after death we say “Rest in Peace” RIP.
कब ठहरेगा दर्द ए दिल, कब रात सहर होगी
सुनते थे वो आएंगे, सुनते थे सहर होगी
कब महकेगी फसलें गुल, कब बहकेगा मयखाना
कब सुबह सुख़न होगी, कब शामे नज़र होगी
कब तक अभी राह देखें, ए कामटे जानाना
कब हशर मुअय्यन है तुझको तो खबर होगी…
…This year fasts for three religions – Navratri-Hindu, Ramzaan-Muslims, fast-Christians – came together, yet we are not together unfortunately. Alas! Interestingly, in jail most people respect and observe fast of every religion. Hasina observed Navratri fast, Nancy observed Roza, Nusullah observed Navratri, Madhuri Ramzaan. It shows there is still hope and love which can alleviate the humanitarian crisis.
May 5, 2022
During Ramzan for one day, all ladies observing fast had been allowed to gather at chakkar [a common area inside prison in front of the Deputy Superintendent’s office] for iftaar party organised by jail administration. Superintendent Ma’am along with other administrative members and staff also joined us…I could not believe the sight in front of my eyes. Apart from them, other non-Muslim inmates were very humble and cooperative while offering their service. It was really a holy evening where my dead hope for a inclusive society came to life again.
….Well, I have heard about Faiz, but he shall always remain in our hearts and spirits. You know in my most melancholic moments, particularly in the mournful nights, he accompanies me, sharing strength and solidarity with the balm of his beautiful poetry. I feel he wrote these 2 ashaars for us – girls 🙂
दरे ज़िंदा बुलवाये गये फिर से जुनूवाले
दारिद: दामनो वाले, परिशा गैसुओं वाले
सितम की दास्ता कुश्त: दिलों का माजरा कहिये
जो जेरे लब ना कहते ये वो सब कुछ बरमला कहिये
— फरे दमानो वाले
….These days I have not been so well due to which remain in bed 2-3 days, BP goes down sharply randomly. This restlessness caused some poetry, I hope you would like it. Ever since the third year of imprisonment started, my hopes of release have been declining despite useless efforts to stay hopeful. Therefore, I try to occupy my time with reading and AR to dispel despair surrounding from all sides.
A painting by Gulfisha Fatima.
July 20, 2022
Today while coming back from multi-purpose hall after rehearsal, I got to get drenched in the rain and you know it was bandh ginti timing. Tomorrow we are to play a nukkad natak to mark “Azaadi ka Amrit Mahotsav”….We are excited for tomorrow 🙂
These days I don’t feel like reading newspaper just to avoid brunt of negativity and anger. But on DD News, one news programme comes at 9 O’clock – 2 टूक. Oh my God, anchor invites party spokespersons to debate, but what happens interestingly, anchor does not behave as an anchor, rather turns into a party spokesperson…hehehe. Then you clearly see the travesty of 4th pillar. In my eyes, this fourth pillar has transformed into 4th leg of Sahab’s chair.
I have cut short my sleeping hours to get a job in Padho Padhao [an adult education programme inside prison were educated prisoners teach basic literacy to prisoners who cannot read or write] which I really enjoy. Aur thank God, I have been able to offer namaaz regularly even in hell hot like days specifically horrible nights. In those days, namaaz/meditation provided me with great calmness to endure that brutality of heat and humidity. When it goes out of control, I usually sing this beautifully mournful song – “Yeh kya jagah hai doston, yeh kaunsa dayaar hai.”
…Your letters are the source of accumulating strength to survive here repeatedly. Your letters always being your smell and imagination and presence. While drops of rain were touching my face toward sky, I was feeling you standing by me holding my hand tightly.
August 29, 2022
Frankly + unabashedly telling you that this entire week has been sharply devastating in every manner. Such vast disastrous helplessness made me mentally injured. My spirit has turned into a burning volcano mountain out of which restlessness is causing ruthlessness in me. The exact breaking point is becoming zenith of my rigidness which abstains from shedding tears, therefore I find myself not capable of crying as well.
September 4, 2022
I am completely shattered…suffering from most vulnerable period of the entire imprisonment. Well, however I will have to fight for a life. Life itself is an all time challenge. Each breath is a test of tolerance and patience.
…After sometime, I will also try to recover numbness. Mostly, circumstances change you, rather than you can change circumstances. Everything appears to be out of our control or limited reach. How future unfolds, nobody can predict. I hope this adverse time will end someday and we will be able to live a life which would wash away all the stains of black days.
September 8, 2022
Even before reading your letter, I had seen the mesmerising yellow flower photograph, to me nature per se has been a testimony of Allah/super power. Nowadays night still may offer little solace for a destitute spirit to heal but days are mercilessly thorny in full capacity. In day time, I feel as if I were tied with shackles around my body which causes a sense of strangulation. In order to get rid of such bizarre feeling, sporadically I do random physical exercise. Around 2.30 pm, I was having a tumultuous urge to scream, lying on bed alone in the cell with no light. Anyhow, I resisted myself from doing so thinking neighbours living in opposite cell would get disturbed…4.30 pm I received your letter and came across your concern related to yell. Instantly this couplet came from my heart:
ये कैसे मुमकिन है हमनशीनों के
दिल को दिल की ख़बर ना पहुँचे
…Although I know that the world has always been dramatic and dynamic to it’s subject, yet being a human, I also complain to Allah “Why you chose me to struggle so much?”, then after sometime I find myself convinced that not only I but millions or billions of people are also facing similar or worse imprisonment throughout the world. N di [an older prisoner Fatima is friends with] says we are not swimming along with the stream of captivity, in fact, are floating as a dead body or object on the surface of ruthless river of waiting.
I think this uneven trajectory will end somewhere sooner or later… The last whole month I have been able to see the golden shining moon, even crescent moon which unbelievably eases the knots of stagnant stress. Thank you so much for being with me in the most dark days of life. Thank you to everyone who stands for humanity.
February 14, 2023
…I read an article on Grammy award winner Shervin Hajipour from Iran. He penned down and sang a song in relation with women led protest against hijab. I was thrilled to the meaning of lyrics of that song as originally it is a farsi song. It’s title is “Baraye” which means “for/because of”… the song says – for the sake of dancing in the street, for breaking the taboo of kissing in public, for my sister, your sister, our sisters, for yearning for an ordinary life, for our non-stop tears, for this forced road to paradise for women, life and freedom. He is just 25 year old guy and was arrested by Iranian government for posting this song on social media, though later released on bail, but this song went viral and became a symbol of struggle.
May 7, 2023
Despite the abject dearth of suitable words elucidating the upheaval in the heart, an irresistible urge is compelling me to write. I had made a resolution not to write to anybody anything until HC pronounced some order in response to my bail application, yet I find myself incapable of crushing the incessant desire to speak to you…as I write to you I feel as if I am talking to you and you are listening patiently as you always do. The longer the period of incarceration is stretching, the shorter my temperament is getting.
..now-a-days I have wild dreams. I was flying in an airplane, suddenly it lost control and fell in the sea..on hearing this news, instead of getting puzzled or nervous, I was delighted at this news thinking that at least I was getting a natural death which would vanish all suffering. As water touched my nose, I felt difficulty in inhalation and exhalation. In this state, wriggling like a fish, I said to the person sitting next to me – “Marna toh bohut muskil kaam hena [Dying is hard work, no]?” Next moment, my heart stopped beating and I jerked awake, though I was alive but not happy.
A painting by Gulfisha Fatima.
June 2, 2023
I have been following the news of the wrestlers protesting against Brij Bhushan. To my great grief, I wonder how oblivious the state can become to the voice of “Beti Bachao”….While reading about Manipur violence aftermath, I was on the verge of breaking down. Since family members can’t go back to violence hit area to identify the bodies of the dead, this mere visualization in the head squeezed my heart. Now-a-days I have n number of reasons to think what sort of characteristics a human being should possess to be called a human.
December 20, 2023
…I still believe that Allah has smoothened my jail journey on this harsh uneven road of captivity by conferring on me sublime fortitude so far and will continue to do so in future as well in the same way or other.
Waise, I don’t take too much stress for bail and all, but yes, I am seriously concerned about my mental health – the problem of forgetfulness has reached the level where a subtle gap remains between forgetfulness and foolishness. Today over e-mulaqaat, abbu told me that having returned from court, your ammi cried saying “Usse kuch bimari ho gayi hai zaroor [She has definitely got some illness]”. So abbu asked me about my sickness. For a moment, I was not in the position to answer his query. Notwithstanding it wasn’t long before I changed the topic and got him indulged in usual domestic affairs. But to be honest, it took a toll on me.
January 7, 2024
On the eve of New Year, I danced and shouted a lot, just to fulfil your wish 🙂
March 14, 2024
For me to observe fast these days is not as easy as it was before. I can’t write so much, but sending you 3 paintings to safeguard until I come out.
Love you so much and my love to all who support the idea of a strong opposition in a country which is hailed as “mother of democracy” by someone who in fact, has killed the spirit of the mother of democracy. Kair ek sher unke liye jinhone mujhe kissi ki bandi nahi banne diya par jail ki bandi bana diya…hehehe 😀
वो करम उंगलियों पे गिनते हैं
जिनके ज़ुल्म का कोई हिसाब नहीं
